All Heil CEOsar !

Have you ever met a CEO of the  multi-billion corporation? I have. At least two or three of them.

How do you recongnize a CEO ? How would one classify rare species of the top decision makers? Elementary, Watson. They are either:

• tall
• huge
• have a re-assuring low voice ( resulting from the well developed diaphragm-based breathing technique)
• neither of the above, but haughty
• last, but never least - female

“Wait a second”, you would exclaim, “these features do not fit together.” Oh, they are, don’t you see? They all serve the same purpose - intimidate and convince. Or gain trust, as it turns in the case of the last bullet point. Actually, rise of the better sex management workforce in the modern corporate realm is a topic way beyond this article scope, not to say, “doubtful reasons”…

Some time ago, scientists specializing in the applied management made an invaluable observation - “psycho-visual intimidation works just like a putty”, i.e. - spread it over the gaps in the leader’s character, and voila - it looks impeccable. 

This scientific discovery became de facto the rule of thumb in the candidacy selection process.

Since we lost the opportunity to prove ourselves in joisting tournaments, for the lack of thereof locally, the burning question for the board of directors is, “Who is worthy leading our n x 10000 workforce - a tall guy, a huge guy, a lady, or a haughty?”

Considering that some of the employees are vision impared, deep low voice tembre comes in handy complimenting visual impact.

Does it work? Oh, yes.  It did, it does, it will. It is actually so important that too-softy-looking Bill Gates had been replaced by Mr. Balmer - do I need to go over how the latter individual champions the above profile?

Long gone days of the rats following a subtle boy into the lake waters to meet their doom. Modern vermin would settle only for the figure of a true leadeship statue( see the list above ), alas the magic of the corporate lingo is as good and sweet as sounds of the recorder played by the brave Nils.

 

Why Bosses are afraid of Open Source ?

Believe it or not, it’s for the same reason Ancient Greeks would go to visit Oracle of Delphi or modern management would order “Gartner” report  - the fear of responsibility for making decisions.

Board and sequential interviews are falling along the same lines - isn’t it  wonderful to spread responsibility for hiring wrong person among group of coworkers, so no one would serve as a scapegoat?

Reliability, profitability, presence or absence of the 24/7 support infrastructure - all of it does not count, unless somebody could be blamed for the failure.

Why Microsoft is a huge success among corporate management? Seriously, why ???

Aforementioned company releases more fixes for its  products than its clients could implement timely. The swingword of the software giant is “Agile Development”. In short, agile development theory states that one should provide customers with a half-baked  product and continue with improving it while collecting customers’ feedback ( screams of joy).

One of the training courses for the latest “agile” technology even suggest that it is not important to worry about producing an end-to-end vision of  your product - most likely, you will not be the one to finish its development… 

 Again, have you detected the leibmotif  playing quietly on the background - “you will not take the blame, since you will not be there to receive any. By the time unpleasant substance hit the fan, you will be developing another piece of agile nature.”

So why is this  company highly popular among stakeholders and  key decision-makers? It’s simple - it is ready to be a scapegoat. This is more important than tech-support, service contracts, expertise, etc…, etc…

Just recently, Johnathan Schwartz, CEO of Sun Microsystems, while going over recent acquisition of MySQL, dropped invaluable hint about fear of responsibility - “traditional CIO’s disallow the usage of products that aren’t backed by commercial support relationships”.  He maintains that under umbrella of Sun, MySQL will find more open doors in IT shops around the Globe.

Why? Does it change the fact MySQL is running behind almost every CMS website hosted elsewhere, including this one? Does it improve it a bit? Ah-ah, it simply makes it blamable.

Managers don’t like to deal with a little fish. They like to talk to the Big Daddy. Big Boss. Capo Del Capo. It is laughable, because support promises do not guarantee you anything. In most cases, your internal resources will find solutions faster than support personnel at “trusted” vendor’s.

So, before you approach your boss with an idea of implementing “OS”, do some research:

• Did he already order Gartner report? If yes, attempt to read it under disguise of love of Gartner reports.
• Is Gartner report saying same thing your CIO wants to see in it?
• Is your boss ready to have his head served on the silver platter before dancing politicians in your office?
• Do you want to be labeled as controversial, untrustworthy, lacking business knowledge person?
• Do you understand why Christ was crucified?

Having answers to the above questions beforehand may save your life…

Stuff White People Like

Stuff White People Like - you should check out this page. It’s a phenomenon in multiple meanings of the word: by its style, contents, popularity, and much, much more… It is a rare case of a spark that creates an instant fire.

If I am wrong, at least I am not alone - 6,000,000 + visitors have found it worth reading.

 Enjoy !

Speak Up or Shut Up ?

Bertolt Brecht once wrote a wonderful play about a conformist waiter who imagines himself as a “Knight in Shining Armor” who sets the World around him fair and square.
Just like a weak kid  fantasizes of having Super Powers to punish his abusers.

Well, if only that world were not bound by one’s fantasy.
Sounds familiar? Not really ? Let’s make it close and personal.

Office Aborigine

( Play in One Life - No entr’acte allowed, play goes on until the main character dies…)

 

Characters in no particular order:

• Manager - middle-aged functionare, concerned with “not letting others to make a mistake that could cost him his job”

• Manager’s Manager - middle-aged functionare, concerned with “not making a mistake that could cost him his job”. Has more tenure than his subordinate managers.

• Director - post-middle-age functionare, concerned with “his subordinate managers making a mistake that could cost him early retirement”.

• Manager’s Pet - Coworker who has extracurricular relations with the manager.

• Cherry picker - Manager’s Pet who is allowed to pick his(her) own projects.

• Techno Whiz - Owns latest gadgets and tips management on the important usability trends, such as winning “Doom 3″ in under five minutes. Often chosen for technology research.

• Kudos Ripper - Pursues management with ingenious ideas of finishing other people’s work. Depending on her social status, she gets it, most of the times.

• The Genius - It’s less troublesome to let him win his way than argue. Countless examples of his intellectual superiority, from teaching Australian Aborigines to hunt to citations of the sources you cannot verify, take most of his work hours. Management hates, fears, and promotes him.

• The Customer - Anyone in the Company having feedback powers affecting one’s career.

• Aborigine - Office inhabitant of undetermined age trying to survive between recessions, management power wars, re-orgs, political games, etc… His social obligations tamed his natural responses into politically correct reflections. He longs to run free. Some day…

So, one perfectly normal day, while Aborigine is cutting through this game of stolen ideas, unfair workload, unexplainable promotions, customers’ complaints, inquires into his IQ, decimating his achievements, lying, betraying, being not heard, asked to leave the room, etc.., etc…, etc…

He just gets up from the ergonomic chair of his and decides that it’s time to SPEAK UP !!!

**** Now, in the best traditions of the B. Brecht’s Theater,  it is time for the actor-the-person to step out of his character and present his very own views on the situation. Here we go:

Actor: “Please, don’t do it. They do not speak your language. They detest it. They find your common English a slur - offensive, rude, inexcusable, unfit for communicating on the premises. Everything you say could be used against you. Remember - you have right to remain silent. Be smart. Use it.
SHUT UP !!! “

• Footnote: Functionare (Fr) - A bureaucrat

 

Casual Lies

- How are you?
- Fine (Perfect, Good, Extraordinary, etc…).

Well, as innocent as it is, neither inquirer nor responder are truthful. The former usually does not care, while the latter does not want to expose his or her soft inner self by opening up before a stranger, who by default does not give a damn of what you really feel.

On a personal note, I have met two individuals in my life who were exceptions to this rule.

The first one always answered the question straight and truthful, “Mediocre!”
Later, he moved to Midwest and changed his name to “Honest Abe”.

The second one, obviously troubled by the perspective of being involved in the casual lies, would avert his eyes from the oncoming coworkers, while attempting to pass them by in the narrow isle between the laser printer and the coffee machine. Due to the stiff neck problem, his entire body would jerk up, like a stubborn puppy that is dragged away by the annoyed owner.

Next time before you submit to your natural instinct of producing the politically correct version of “Get away, none of your business”; stop and think of this - what if you die the next instant with a casual lie being the last thing you have done in this world?

We probably should ban “How are you?” greeting. To the time we are ready for it.

Lie or Die ?

Why do We Lie?

Has anyone ever counted number of casual lies dropped by an average person a day?

They are sent away as the prodigal sons, just to return inevitably to their issue point, sender, creator, whoever, and hit him( her ) right in between those wide opened eyes with a deafening, “Why did you let me happen at the first place?”.

Unbelievable as it is, we all do it on a daily basis. Why? Oh, if there was an easy answer, we would not need to blog it, wouldn’t we? Let’s lie about it, err … talk about it.

And I promise to be truthful as long as you are truthful about your feelings of what you are about to read…

So, let’s the truthful lies begin…